Growing Up

When you're child, you never give growing up much thought. Well, you dream about one day being knowledgeable and mature, owning your own house and car and going to important business meetings, but you don't ever think about the process of becoming a grown-up. At least I didn't. In my head, there were two stages: the naive little kid that was myself at the present time, and the confident mature woman I was so sure I was going to become. No middle stage; I had just assumed that one day BAM! I'd become a grown-up.

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As I grow older though, it's becoming increasingly worrisome that my BAM! stage hasn't happened yet. So many milestones in my life have already passed:

• Became a high school senior: high school is supposed to be like a rite of passage. I thought I was going to go from awkward middle-schooler to kick-ass high schooler... where'd the magic go?
• Grew older than k-pop stars: this is like outgrowing your idols. How am I supposed to respect and look up to you when you're younger than me?!
• Got my driver's license: The state believes in me enough to allow me to wield a hunk of metal more than three times my size. This isn't right. It's too much responsibility.

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That meme actually isn't even relevant. According to my test examiner, I drive way too slow.

But it's not only not feeling that I'm maturing. A lot of the times, I feel like I'm being left behind by people I used to have so much in common with. I recently caught up with some friends from elementary school. They all had their respective stories of how far they've gone with guys, and where they thought their relationships were headed. I admitted that I had no such stories to tell, and we laughed at how predictable I was: while it was amusing to see that I had in fact turned out to be as much of a prude as we had always imagined I would be, it was also kind of sad and lonely feeling.

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I guess it's not that I'd ever want to do the things they've done... it's just that I feel like I should have done them. Does that make sense? Getting boyfriends, breaking up, going through drama, it's all part of the high school experience. So what does it say when I've experienced little to none of it? Have I missed a part of my adolescence? Should I be partying it up?

It's not even just looking back at what you've done and wondering if you could've done anything better. It's looking towards the future as well. When you were a child and people asked you what you wanted to be when you grew up, or what you wanted out of life, you could respond with an "I don't know" and not get judged. I don't even know when that stopped happening... at what age did "I don't know" stop being an acceptable answer? At what age were we expected to have grown up?

I don't really know where I'm going with this entry, and it seems to be taking a turn towards the emo side, so I think that I'm going to stop while I'm ahead. I am excited for what the future holds, and where it will take me, but I don't think I'll ever stop wondering if the choices I'm making are the right ones. Point is:

Growing up is scary.